Staffer Never Wants To Leave His Home Again

I have decided that I’m never going to leave home again.

Yes, I know the notion of lounging on the sofa in flannel pajamas until I’m 62 years old seems cringe-inducing. I understand that mom’s homemade chocolate chip cookies will get old after years of dunking in the same skim milk. I can see how endlessly surfing the World-Wide Web might not be enough world for me. But with everything marketed for the convenience of never having to leave your couch — from TV to a college education — I feel that living at home until I’m senile may not be so bad.

It’s what the modern world wants for me. With the help of 21st century technology and an increasingly lethargic America, I already conduct most of my daily activities from the air-conditioned comfort of my living room. What’s more, I’m addicted. I abuse Netflix Instant Watch like a druggie, I frequent ordering apps on my iPhone and I add items to online shopping carts with the aggression of a bargain-hungry mom on Black Friday. The world we live in today has left me hooked on laziness.

I don’t see why I should have to change my path. Sure, there is the majestic and storied way of the hard-working American man with a briefcase, two kids, a Labradoodle named Baxter and a white picket fence. But I prefer the path less traveled. Rather than a winding, meandering road of obstacles and responsibilities, I like the one where I get to wear sweatpants, make myself some popcorn and watch romantic comedies without judgement. I might even throw a 3 p.m. nap in the mix. I know it sounds like a lazy sentiment, but I see the big picture. If the world is going to encourage me to never leave home, then that’s what I plan on doing — I will go from teenager to retired faster than you can spell “A-A-R-P.”

For the skeptics out there who think that hard work defines character, I have broken it down into four easily digestible reasons why home sweet home can make for one sweet life.

Home life provides all the essentials. A main cause of stress is providing the essentials. People who give for their family or themselves are filled with unwavering anxiety over food, the economy and the burden of contributing to society — but I plan on letting society do the work for me. Since the world is now so insistent on answering life’s most probing questions for you with the click of a button, I’m going to let the 21st century take care of everything. iTunes’ recommendations will tell me what to listen to. Wikipedia will answer all my inquiries. ‘The Walking Dead’ will sufficiently prepare me for a zombie apocalypse. And to any other issue life may throw at me, I have one thing to say: there’s probably an app for that.

Time is always mine. I feel I’m often tied down by prior engagements. Whether it’s a dentist appointment scheduled six months in advance or a last second surprise party left for me to plan, time is almost never completely mine. I find myself asking what is on today’s agenda periodically throughout every day. But if I live at home forever, the only question I will have to ask is “should I watch ‘School of Rock’ on TBS for the eighth day in a row or start on that ‘Lost’ fan-fiction where the plane lands safely?” I know it seems like my time could be spent impacting the world in some way, but if I lived a working life I would never have time to study quantum physics or catch up on the writings of Mohandes Ghandi. I also wouldn’t be able to play Jenga against myself 242 times in a row.

The tab is covered. If years of mooching off of my friends has taught me nothing else, it’s that paying is overrated. I’m not saying that I condone stealing from banks or even slipping in the side door at a movie theater, but letting others pay the bill is not a problem. Living at home forever, my parents have my life expenses basically covered. Yes, I may have to get used to sleeping in my childhood bed that leaves my feet hanging over the end and I will have to learn to love that 11 p.m. curfew, but I’m never going to have to understand what a mortgage is. I won’t have to pick up milk at the store. I will never have to say “I’ve got this” to a check in a crowded restaurant. And all “Rent” will ever be to me is a movie-musical set in New York — I’m sure to watch it a few times with all of this free time I’ll have.

The Internet can take care of romance.Going on a date shouldn’t mean having to go out to a fancy restaurant or even a tawdry singles event with name-tags. It shouldn’t even mean having to start the car. In a world that is slowly moving online, exploring for love should be saved for Internet explorer. With sophisticated database and compatible matches, I believe I can discover a woman that will accept and love me unconditionally for the rest of my life. If eHarmony commercials have taught me anything, I know that I will one day stand in front of a bleach-white background to the tune of light jazz and laugh about that first date with my wife. Added benefit of online dating: I can always change my profile picture to Ryan Gosling and score a few more dates that way.

I just hope that if, and when, I find that lovely little lady on the World-Wide Web, she can get used to my situation. I’m not budging. For these four reasons, among others, I plan on heading down the path of home-cooked meals and unemployment. It’s not going to be easy with temptations of the outside world beyond my window, but ultimately it’s what’s best for me. While my friends are heading off to college and experiencing the proverbial feeling of freedom, I expect to be experiencing cable television and frequent naps — if I really feel the need for a little education, I can always get an online degree in my PJs.

I really believe I can sustain a fulfilling life from home. I may get tired after I stack the 345th tower of cards, but home sweet home will provide me with everything I could ever need. And I have our society to thank. With Facebook “likes” robbing us of our ability to think critically and Netflix giving us no reason to leave the living room, the world we live in today increasingly encourages our laziness. From online ordering to online shopping to online TV to online adoption (seriously, look it up), life’s most basic needs are a click away. I’ll just be the first person to really capitalize on it.

So consider this my long and drawn-out goodbye to the world as I now know it. For the next 70-80 years, let’s hope, my life will be right here on my couch. The most strenuous trek I will have to make is the one to the refrigerator, and the most difficult decision will be if I should shift positions because my butt is falling asleep. You may miss me, I know, but feel free to contact me from wherever it is you may be. Shoot me a text, drop me a call, send me a letter or even just drop by.

I’ll be at home.