Enneagram Endeavors

I unzip my shiny black pencil bag and sort through the Papermate pencils to find my bright blue pen — the one I use to mark in my beloved blue 2018-19 planner. Each and every page is packed full of swim and dance practice times, homework for my AP and honors classes, Harbinger deadlines and the couple hours a month I fit in to grab coffee with my friends. The amount of people who questioned me saying “Why do you do this to yourself?” got a little excessive.

Until I clicked “finish” on the Enneagram test — a series of around 100 question that can place you into one of nine personality groups. I wasn’t sure how to explain myself. I never knew the reason behind my compulsive urge to always be busy or why I was so hard on myself when things didn’t go as planned. My results said I am a type three, or “The Achiever,” and after reading into it more, I felt like it was seeing into my mind.

I’ve taken countless personality tests, even Buzzfeed’s “What Character From The Office Are You,” that I never thought twice about. The comparison to Kevin is hard to take seriously, but the Enneagram has helped me understand myself on a deeper level.

I already knew I craved the feeling of being busy, checking off all my to-do’s and feeling like I have it all together. I mean, I’ve caught myself rewriting my semi-messy notes so I can feel busy before — there’s points when I really take it to the extreme. The Enneagram told me that those were common traits shared by “threes,” which helped me feel like my color coordinated to-do-list was a little less crazy.

The Enneagram descriptions are split into paragraph long sections — the creepiest of these is the basic fears section. It told me my personality type usually has a big fear of being worthless and not measuring up — which is still hard for me to admit to myself. I wouldn’t be surprised if the secret to the success of the Enneagram is that it’s a mind-reading machine.

As I scrolled down more, I got to a section that described the types at both their best and worst. When “threes” are stressed, they usually become disengaged and get frustrated easily. During a high-stress time like finals, I turned into a different person — the kind of person you would never want to be in a room with. When I tried to focus on the piles of ten-page review packets and study for the next day, my jaw clenched and my whole body got tense because I was mad at myself for not understanding or remembering all the information.

I’d been living out the “achiever at their worst” life for a while. When I started swimming last year I would get in the car after practice and blow up because I hated knowing I was the worst on the team. At that time all I thought about was how I can beat that girl or how I can get my teammates to think I’m better than I really was.

But then I scrolled to the very bottom of the website where a section gives recommendations for “personal growth.” The first on the list of five ideas said to be truthful with yourself and resist the perfectionist temptations — which made something click.

I had to realize that my personality tricks me into thinking I’m only valuable if I succeed. Once I took that seriously I could flip the switch and tell myself I’m valuable even if I’m not the best. With this shiny new mindset, I use the three side of me as a partner in crime and am now motivated to work hard so I can improve instead of striving for the impossible “perfection.”

When finals come around, I’ll take a step back to realize a B on a test isn’t the end of the world. There was also a time when I was four or five when I actually did sports for fun instead of for competition — I know, shocker. Lately I’ve been trying to enjoy the sports I play instead of dealing with the constant mental chaos of feeling the need to be the best.

Now, when I pull out that blue pen to mark up the white space in my planner, I take the fact that I’m a type three into mind. The pressure to be perfect is a part of my personality, but the Enneagram helped me realize taking a step back to breathe can help my “achiever” self actually achieve more.