Let’s start out with my third favorite viral video circa 2015. A teenage couple is making out in a Walmart store aisle. They bump into an employee while kissing, and the employee responds with,“Um, hello excuse me? Are y’all on drugs or something?”
Not only does this sight make me sprint for the nearest trash can, but it also has me wondering if someone dropped acid in their coffee.
(If you tell me the drug you are on is love, you run a serious risk of me projectile vomiting on you. Take a lap for that awful cliche.)
I find high school relationships to be cringe-tastic, s**t shows. Spit swapping-induced mono outbreaks and the constant “will-they, won’t-they” via Ross and Rachel make high school relationships one of the better teenage experiences to miss out on. Unlike the sauve Troy Bolton, high schoolers, in reality, are just bad at dating.
In my experience, a couple is either so invested in one another that they alienate all of their other friends, or they’ve got more drama than a soap-opera, and pin their friends against each other in their quarrels.
Obviously, not all couples are like this. But for every couple that doesn’t have attachment issues, there are three more that make me wish I had a mute or censor button every time I see them together.
If you’re an offended couple ready to fight, don’t worry. It’s not you, it’s me. It’s not the individuals involved, but the institution and culture of high school romance. It’s a culture of everyone being up in your business about who is dating who. A culture of awkward couple pictures, even more awkward text convos filled with heart emojis, and the most awkward PDA filled interactions in the halls.
Maybe I shouldn’t pass judgement considering I have less dating experience than most seventh graders. Maybe I’m just another bitter prude who is dumping on what I don’t have. Maybe I just need to shut up and let people in love be happy.
But come on. Don’t tell me there isn’t that couple that you see sucking each other’s faces off in the stairwell and holding hands on the way to class. Look me in the eye and tell me you won’t do a victory dance when they break-up.
We, the teens, have no idea what we are doing. We have a hormonal imbalance equivalent to an elephant and a mouse on a seesaw and tend to make irrational and impulsive decisions. It’s already overwhelming enough to be a teen, so trying to make a relationship last isn’t worth the stress.
Only two percent of high school relationships last into marriage according to a 2014 survey from BrandonGaille Marketing. Chances are your boyfriend or girlfriend will matter as much to you in five years as the seating chart in Spanish does to you now, so I don’t get why people spend more than five minutes stressing over someone who’ll soon be nothing but a few old Instagram posts and a running “remember when..” joke between you and your friends.
This may seem unfair to the couples who were dating at their first middle school dance and ended up walking down the aisle. But keep in mind that was the generation where everyone got perms and mullets by free will. So how much can we
really trust the success rate?
To those who make videos of themselves cuddling with no room left for Jesus and send it to their streaks…
To those who can take the question “what is your favorite color” and somehow by the power of God make it a five minute convo about your boyfriend or girlfriend…
To those who are in a high school relationship and even your teachers know because you are just that obnoxious about it…
“Um hello, excuse me? Are y’all on drugs or something?”