Trigger warning: mentions of self-harm and suicide
*Names changed to protect identity
Sophomore Lincoln Godfrey was in seventh grade the first time he was told to kill himself.
It started during lunch, with Godfrey telling a friend about a new crush he had on a boy. But a classmate sitting near him was listening. The classmate had talked about Christianity and the importance of following God in the past, but Godfrey didn’t anticipate what happened next. In a few moments, Godfrey went from talking about a crush to being told that he should kill himself and repeatedly warned that he would go to hell as punishment for being bisexual.
As a Christian, at the time, Godfrey didn’t understand why his classmate was using his religion to threaten him. He was shocked because he believed that Christianity was supposed to be about spreading love, not hate.
“I was taken aback,” Godfrey said. “I always thought, if you're a Christian, you support people.”
Like Godfrey, some students at SM East struggle with religious trauma due to negative and degrading experiences with religion. According to an Instagram poll of 97 SM East students, 40% have had religious trauma that has led them to leave or distance themselves from their religion. The causes can range from components such as fear-based teaching, rejection from the church, strict gender roles or emotional abuse.
Despite growing up Christian, Godfrey stopped going to church after he was told his identity was a sin. But that was only the first incident.
Fellow students have since told him that his sexuality is “an act of the devil,” a sin, and that the devil is inside of him. It was these comments that drove Godfrey to try to jump out of a moving car when he was in middle school and drink paint thinner a year later.
“I kind of thought, if everyone's gonna hate me, what's the point of living, right?” Godfrey said. “I thought, ‘I’m just one human in the entire world, out of seven, eight billion people. One person isn't gonna matter.’”
Now, Godfrey is an atheist and has come to terms with the fact that he will probably never go back to church.
“I’m more disappointed in others,” Godfrey said. “I kind of regretted being in church and letting myself just be around people like that.”
Rev. Maggie Johnson-Phillips is an associate pastor at Village Presbyterian Church and often works with individuals who have experienced religious trauma. Religious trauma can occur when a person’s experience in their faith-based community is negative, stressful, degrading, dangerous or abusive, according to Johnson-Phillips.
“[Religious trauma] is really when there's a lack of trust or when there is fear and shame weaponized against people in the name of faith,” Johnson-Phillips said. “And so when particular institutions or people use God and use faith as a weapon to create shame and fear and anxiety, to tell you that there is a right or a wrong answer, that creates trauma.”
Individuals can experience religious trauma no matter what religion they practice, according to Tamicka Monson, a therapist who specializes in religious trauma at her practice in Mission, Kansas. Religious trauma can have multiple side effects, such as paranoia and self-esteem issues, but mental health disorders such as depression and anxiety tend to be the most common, according to Monson.
“Religion can be a great thing if it's individual,” Monson said. “Like if somebody's saying, ‘Hey, I was saved, and [religion is] causing me to do good to other people.’ But when it becomes a source of hatred and vitriol, that can create other stressors and depression, and cause people to develop self-hatred and try to deny parts of themselves.”
Godfrey attributes the religious threats as a strong factor in his past suicidal behavior, and while it pushed him to become an atheist, he still has Christian friends and doesn’t have a problem if they want to discuss their religion around him.
Junior Keaton Golden grew up Catholic, but truly connected with his faith during his sophomore year. Through his religious journey, Golden found a community in his church and feels accepted by those around him — something he wants others to have as well. He believes that if an individual isn’t being supported by their religious community, they should find a different church because there are people out there who want to help.
“If you've had a bad experience with, especially just like Christian churches, whether some Christian preacher has yelled at you, cursed at you or someone said something that really hurt you, they should not have said those things,” Golden said. “I promise you that that's not how Christ is represented, and that's not how we are supposed to be.”
Sophomore Porter Anderson grew up religious. But during middle school, he became an atheist when he realized he was more driven by a moral compass than by a religious text. However, when Anderson’s friend learned about his atheism, he tried to convert Anderson back to Christianity.
Anderson admits that he understands his friend’s desire to share his faith because the Bible calls on Christians to preach the gospel. But eventually it escalated to a point where Anderson felt uncomfortable and pressured. It ultimately pushed him further away from Christianity.
“At some point it started to feel less like, ‘I love you, and I want you to join my religion, for the goodness of, you know, whatever,’” Anderson said. “At some point, the lines kind of blurred, and it was like, ‘Yeah, I want you to join my religion, or you're gonna go to hell.’”
The forcing and manipulation of religion are a large component of religious trauma, according to Johnson-Phillips. Rev. Michael Vollbrecht serves as the senior minister at Colonial Church in Prairie Village and believes that evangelization isn’t meant to be forced, but to be shown through actions.
“We try not to just say it, but to put it into action,” Vollbrecht said. “We try to get involved in community activities, so that people know that whether you’re a Christian or you're an interfaith person, or you practice, whatever you practice, or wherever you've come from, this can be a welcoming place for you.”
SM East student Bethany Smith* wore a tank top for the first time in her life when she was 16 years old, something that used to be unimaginable with the strict modest standards she grew up learning in her Mormon church.
“Ten-year-old me would hate me currently,” Smith said. “Like, I've done so much stuff that 10-year-old me wouldn't even dream of.”
The Mormon faith involves a lifestyle centered on following the Book of Mormon and a health code known as the Word of Wisdom, according to the Brigham Young University Religious Studies Center. Some themes involve abstaining from addictive substances, practicing chastity, attending weekly church meetings and focusing on family.
Smith has practiced Mormonism her entire life because her parents have told her she has to.
“If you don't practice, you go to hell,” Smith said. “If you don't believe in God, you go to hell. If you steer away from this singular path, you're going to hell.”
Smith grew up in an extremely conservative environment where others told her in her church that in the future, her only job would be to “stay at home and make as many babies as possible.” After feeling isolated because of her more conservative clothing and mindset, Smith tried to adapt by wearing shorts and a tank top to fit in with the other girls.
“My dad really hated that, because he grew up Mormon too,” Smith said. “And so this was like, ‘not okay behavior.’ And so my dad, for a long time, told me that I was ruining the family, and he would tell me to kill myself.”
Smith says her parents’ religious faith drove their mistreatment of her. Sometimes it was intimidation: screaming in her face after she went out with friends. Other times, it was humiliation: threatening to kick her out of the house unless she stood by the highway with the sign stating “I'm a terrible kid” for hours.
“I feel like I have a trauma response to [religion] because I associate my parents' abusive behavior with the Mormon culture, and I mean it kind of is,” Smith said. “The way they’ve learned to parent is through the church.”
These intense expectations to follow the Mormon faith led Smith to be hospitalized multiple times after various suicide attempts, whether it was an overdose or self-harm.
“I would just cut my wrist, and I nicked an artery once, but it never- I never- I mean, obviously, it never worked, because I'm still here,” Smith said.
Since her suicide attempts, her parents “calmed down” a bit. Her father only screams at her once a month now, rather than every week. However, though her home life is more stable now, Smith looks forward to college and plans to leave the Mormon Church as soon as she moves out.
Monson explains that there’s never a clear timeline for religious trauma recovery and that it can still have lasting impacts years after an inciting incident. Smith’s religious trauma has impacted her relationships due to the self-doubt and fear of disappointing others she has developed.
“I constantly think people hate me or talking about me or that, like I f*** something up, and I make everything a bigger deal than it actually is, and it really annoys me, but I can't stop it,” Smith said.
Treating religious trauma often involves grappling with an individual's core beliefs and deciding whether or not their religion supports those, according to Monson. Recovery can vary, whether it’s a complete abandonment of religion or a deconstruction of religious beliefs.
Like many others who suffer from religious trauma, Smith is still conflicted with her faith. She doesn’t identify as a Mormon, and although she believes in a god, she doesn’t believe he’s worthy of worship.
“I believe in God, but I really hate him,” Smith said. “If he is real, I hate him, and I don't think I owe him anything, or that he deserves anything from me. He didn't help me when I needed him to. It's the only time I asked for it.”
Monson advises students who are struggling with religious trauma to seek support from a trusted adult and try to receive therapy if possible. She admits that for teenagers, it can be difficult to get parents on board with using therapy, so if therapy isn’t an option, teenagers can try to seek support through friendships that help build their self-esteem.
Godfrey has been going to therapy for the past four years and believes it has helped him deal with the trust issues he has developed and also work on different coping mechanisms for when he’s feeling overwhelmed or suicidal, such as breathing techniques. But he has also made more friends who help him feel needed by others.
“[Religious trauma] is very much ingrained, and it affects so much: how they work, their inner self-talk, their self-compassion,” Monson said. “People need to feel loved and secure, and that religious trauma is very detrimental to mental health, and getting them the help and support they need is so important.”
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