You’re Not Alone: Idea of ending up alone instills enough fear into people to settle for less than they‘re worth

As I’m getting my daily dose of teenage gossip, I often hear the phrase, “She could do so much better, why is she dating him?”

Among my friends and peers, there’s always someone that doesn’t like their friend’s significant other. People tend to believe that people’s relationships aren’t really attracted to each other.

So why do we fall into the trap of settling for less? Anyone who has watched a lonely friend “fall in love” with a useless buffoon can relate to this finding: people settle or lower their standards in a relationship when they fear being alone, according to Live Science.

It’s too often that I see someone accept a certain kind of treatment that others believe are crucial in a relationship — things like not spending time with your partner or not caring enough to listen to what they have to say.

Humans don’t just desire social relationships for no reason. We actually require them for our physical and mental health, according to Psychology Today. That’s why one of the most common fears is ending up alone, especially when it comes to romantic relationships.

The iconic line, “We accept the love we think we deserve” from the book and film “Perks of Being a Wallflower” illustrates the poignant answer to why we pick people who make us feel disrespected. As teenagers, we dream of what our ideal partner will be like. As time progresses with failed relationships, heartbreak and disappointment, our standards change to fit our renewed expectations.

Society expects us to believe that a happy life is spent with one lifelong partner. The hollow void of being single leaves immense pressure to find a significant other and settle down, causing people to lower their standards in concern of not finding someone to meet their high expectations. But when you compromise your values, you’re ultimately straying away from your personal happiness. 

When people settle for someone less than they deserve, they lose their self respect and destroy their confidence, according to CBS news researcher Virginia Clark.

Many people also suffer from a lack of self love, which traces back to their experiences growing up. They aren’t comfortable being alone because they don’t want to spend time with themselves. They may not like who they are or they may have a constant need for stimulation in order to avoid their own thoughts and feelings.

According to tonyrobbins.com, there are three common contributors to the fear of being alone forever — our past, our self-esteem and our social conditioning. Another key cause in this fear in adults is from past abandonment or neglect by someone whose love they craved most as a child, causing them to think of being alone and unloved as the same.

The last contributor is social conditioning. We are raised on the idea of “soulmates” — when what we really need to worry about is becoming whole on our own. A soulmate is just a complement to an already full life.

Worrying about ending up alone heightens your chances of actually ending up alone because of the law of attraction. Whatever you focus on, you get. If you’re consumed by fear of being alone, that negative energy will spill over into your relationships. You may throw yourself into a relationship even if it isn’t healthy. You’re also putting a lot of pressure on your partner, and when you bring this energy to relationships, they often don’t end well.

Yes, accepting being alone can feel lousy — people are meant to connect — but rather than beating yourself up over it, use this time to get more involved in your own life. Take the time to self-reflect. If you’re constantly having doubts about your relationship and your feelings, or often feel like you’re settling, that’s a red flag.

Here’s the truth: when you overcome your fear of being alone forever, you’re able to fully develop who you are. Instead of fear, you’ll bring purpose, passion and personality to your relationships.