Too Much On Your Plate: The holiday season poses unique challenges to those with eating disorders due to discussions and pressures about eating

*names changed to protect identity

**trigger warning: mentions of disordered eating

Sara Burke* knew she couldn’t eat all of the food on her plate as dishes were passed around her Thanksgiving table, but she didn’t want her family to worry about her not eating enough.

Burke went to therapy for her anorexia for two years. While she loves the holidays, they always brought the stress of having to face her eating disorder under the close eye of her family. 

“Every single event — especially Thanksgiving — is based around food,” Burke said. “I have a family who’s very caring, but in the way that they’re always forcing you to get seconds or making comments about how much you’re eating or what you look like now.”

While the holidays are known for being a joyous time for feasting with family, it can be triggering and anxiety-inducing for those coping with eating disorders.

According to greater Kansas City eating disorder specialist Kirsten Oelklaus, these environments can trigger those with disordered eating due to reasons like irregular meal times that can disrupt their routine eating schedule, unfamiliar or “scary” foods and holiday expectations of how much to eat. 

“The holidays in our American culture have really evolved around food,” local eating disorder therapist Whitney Harken said. “And when someone’s struggling with an eating disorder, food is not much of a celebration, and it’s not really a point of connection.”

One of the most anxiety-inducing aspects of the holidays are conversations at the table about diets, eating habits and bodies, according to Harken and Oelklaus.

Comments from relatives like “I shouldn’t have eaten that” or “I need to work out so I can eat more later” might seem like harmless statements, but for those like junior Izzy Margolin, who struggled with anorexia, it triggered the restricting thoughts already in her head. 

“When I hear those things, it makes me feel like I should do the same,” Margolin said. “After being in recovery for longer, it’s gotten a lot easier, but more early on in my recovery it was definitely like ‘Oh, they’re saying they’re gonna do this, I should do it.’”

When it comes to dinner table topics, Harkens points out when finding topics to connect with people on, ones that make others feel uncomfortable or stressed are avoidable and unnecessary. 

From her experience, Burke finds it less harmful when people try to make comments about food positive instead of questioning someone’s eating habits.

“If you’re making comments about what they’re eating, then do it in a supportive way,” Burke said. “Be like, ‘Oh, did you make this? It was so good,’ instead of being like, ‘How much have you eaten?’ All of these questions that you think may be supportive are actually just anxiety inducing.” 

Along with comments on food choices, Harken advises to stray from remarking on others’ bodies – even if it’s meant to be a compliment. When it comes to weight fluctuations, there could be many reasons, some of which aren’t always positive. 

Whether it’s mental health, illness, addiction-related or even a positive fitness journey, comments on how someone “looks so different” are never necessary. Additionally, when struggling with disordered eating or negative body image, people’s minds can often twist anything said about their bodies into a negative.

“It highlights that other people value us for the way we look, and that’s just not true,” Harken said. “It’s really important then to compliment or see each other for who we are, not how we look.”

When in the midst of struggling with her anorexia, Margolin found it hard to enjoy the holiday season because of pressure to feel excited and happy about a triggering situation that came with the big meals.

“[There’s] this kind of conditioned expectation that [around] the holidays, we should feel joy and peace and connection, and a lot of people are not feeling that,” Harken said. “There’s this layer of shame or guilt of ‘Oh, it’s the holiday season, why don’t I feel that way when I should?’”

Oelklaus finds Thanksgiving to be the most challenging holiday for her patients as most of it revolves around food preparation and feasting. Depending on the patient, Oelklaus usually prepares for holiday meals with them by helping them plan. This includes deciding what they’ll eat, preparing alternative conversation topics or allowing themselves to enjoy foods without needing to compensate through workouts or fasting.

“Really prioritizing connection, when we have the energy to do so, can just make the world of difference,” Harken said. “[For] some of those really hard consequences or depression and anxiety symptoms, it can really change everything to just have that connection in whatever way.”