Author Spotlight
Anna Mitchell
“I love you.”
How many times have you heard that? What does it really mean? Who says it?
The term is so frequently thrown around that many of us don’t even process its meaning. If you’re lucky enough to have grown up in a supportive home, it may even roll right off the tongue with casual daily use.
Is that a bad thing?
I can’t remember the first time I told my mom I loved her. I couldn’t even pinpoint a specific time she did. What instead comes to mind is a montage of “I love you”s every time my parents released me from a hug to go to preschool or blew me a kiss from the minivan before each soccer game.
I know my parents and three older siblings love me, but does the phrase lose its value after being said so many times? Saying “I love you” often doesn’t make it untrue, but it can dilute the meaning of those three words.
Despite the common use of the phrase, students vary in how they show affection. In an Instagram poll of 332 students, 281 said they tell at least one person “I love you” once a day. Only 15% don’t say the meaningful words daily.
And that’s OK.
For my friend with a less verbally-affectionate family, it’s clear that her relatives still adore her the same as mine — without audible reinforcement. They communicate in other ways, like spending time with one another at their favorite restaurant or sarcastically joking around when briefly seeing one another between activities.
Because of this, she’s less likely to respond “love you too” to heartfelt goodbyes from me and my friends. It’s not that she doesn’t love us — she just shows her affection by paying for my Taco Bell orders and sending me concert TikToks she’d know I like. She saves the words for special moments when we reunite after weeks without seeing each other.
When she occasionally drops an “I miss and love you,” I almost jump back in shock. It sounds like less of a casual “See ya later!” and more of an authentic “You mean so much to me.”
That being said, it’s OK to prefer verbal reinforcement — as long as you mean it. Relationships can be ruined by insincerely saying “I love you.” A candle-lit dinner under the stars may feel like the right time to say those three words, but if you don’t truly feel the spark, the invalidity behind such a powerful phrase leads your relationship straight down the rabbit hole of trust and awkwardness.
Many teens see their first “I love you” as a milestone in a relationship, but are also uncertain when to declare it — and if they even mean it — leading to self-doubt. Did I really just say that? I don’t even know what love is. Do I love her?
At the same time, hearing your partner profess their love may pressure you into echoing it back. The discomfort and doubt disfigures the moment from a special memory to a fight-or-flight decision.
That’s why it’s important to choose when you’re ready to profess your love.
Saying it too often might lead you into a routine of letting the words flow out of your mouth, resulting in feelings of dishonesty and insecurity if you don’t truly believe it. Now you may question, “Am I saying it too much?” This is where the small, yet meaningful phrase may begin to lower on the scale of love.
On the other hand, it can also bring reassurance into a long-term relationship that may be necessary. According to a YouGov survey, more than half of couples in relationships lasting from one to five years say “I love you” on a daily basis.
Even in family relationships, the phrase is assuring — if used meaningfully. I may say “love you” to my family when walking out the door to go out with friends or hugging my mom after she hands me my breakfast in the morning, but I mean it every single time. I’ve just grown up with a family who casually reaffirms their feelings.
If you’re not using the word out of fear that it’s some kind of curse word, know that expressing your emotions will assure your loved ones of their value.
The phrase should be taken to heart even in simple, non-romantic relationships. While we shouldn’t throw it around with strangers, its significance can be exaggerated at times. Some view the words as rare and something to only tell to one person, while others see it as a phrase everyone should hear and express, bringing conflicting feelings within relationships.
And saying it often doesn’t have to mean it isn’t special. It’s just not a rarity to some. “I love you” doesn’t have a set meaning or value for each person — when used correctly, the phrase is always meaningful.
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