The Boycott of Wellness Bars

Photo by Elle Karras

During my daily routine of procrastinating homework by tapping through Instagram stories, I always come upon at least five boomerangs a day of girls sipping pastel shakes through neon straws — sometimes it annoys me enough to actually put my phone down and finish my work. These posts usually have one of three health and wellness bars tagged — Energizing Mission, Vibe Nutrition or 913 Nutrition, which all follow the same infuriating business model. 

I’ll admit, I visited these places during my I-have-to-like-everything-my-friends-like phase. But each time I went, I regretted dropping $8 on a mediocre protein shake and energizing tea that was way too sweet. 

Walking into the restaurants, I was always overwhelmed by the chalkboard menus hanging on the wall. Employees greeted every customer with a watered down aloe shot which smelled faintly of hand sanitizer. I wasn’t exactly sure what the benefits of the shot were — other than playing into the wellness “bar” vibe.

The next step is to fill the order out on a slip of paper. I had to choose a tea from choices like raspberry, lemon or peach, which I would normally enjoy, until I was asked to add the unnecessary “booster” — still waiting to see the results of the “Strawberry Lemonade Beauty Booster.”

The last thing that piece of paper asked was to choose between shakes with outrageous flavors such as french toast and fruity pebbles, which fortunately isn’t too difficult as most of the shakes are loaded with Herbalife protein powder and taste fairly similar.

After trying to decipher between all the energy boosters and filling out my never-ending order sheet, my friends and I would sit and wait at the bar. The deafening whirring of the blenders as employees mixed water, some different powders and ice made any form of conversation impossible. 

Following a 5 minute wait, I would finally get to sip my supposed meal-replacer shake through the signature neon straw. Two hours later, I would be hungry again because when has an iced tea and 300-calorie shake ever filled anyone up longer than a few hours?

All these pyramid-scheme wellness bars are overhyped and boast the same overwhelming three-step ordering process and overpriced Herbalife-protein-powder-loaded shakes, making all the product pretty much the same. The benefits of getting a low calorie shake are way overshadowed by the bland taste and icey consistency, as the thickening agent for their shakes is ice instead of ice cream. 

Whenever I am looking for an after school treat, I would much rather turn to Freddy’s for a chocolate milkshake — sub protein powder for real chunks of cookie dough — and steakbrger or Tropical Smoothie Cafe for a healthier smoothie and quesadilla combo that won’t leave me reaching for fruit snacks to munch on two hours later.