Struggle With Concussion Gives Staffer New Perspective

I can’t focus. My legs and hands twitch. I can’t think. My brain is an unorganized disarray of confusion and chaos. My temper flares, but I hold it inside until I am alone. Once I am alone, I explode. Angry at everything, unable to form a full thought.

My head hurts, it throbs. It’s my forehead, the pain is spreading to the back. My entire head is vibrating. I can’t control it. It comes and goes, but when it comes, it stays for an hour. Two hours. Three hours. And there is nothing I can do. I just have to wait.

This is my life. The four brain injuries I have had affect the way I live on a day-to-day basis. The most recent concussion was in February from a knee to the head in Team Games basketball, and the three previous ones coming from soccer.

The fourth concussion was different from the three before it. In the days following, my headaches only worsened and I would have deranged bouts of anger. The small problems would make me more anxious than ever before, and at the end of the anxiety attack, I would be thoroughly exhausted.

I didn’t want anyone to know; I didn’t want people to think it was some turbulent temper tantrum, but in reality, it was. And it was something I really couldn’t control. The outbursts occurred daily for two weeks after the concussion. Around the time my headaches began lessening in magnitude, so did the spells of anger.

* * *

I sit in the doctor’s office. The smell of soap and sterilized medical instruments flood my senses. I put my sunglasses on, because the bright office lights are torturing my head. My doctor walks in, and shakes my hand. He explains that my concussion test results definitely point to a fourth head injury. He strongly suggested I sit out from contact sports for six months to a year, but he let me make the ultimate decision. That would mean my soccer career was over.

At that moment, I began wondering if my soccer career was worth my stints of acrimony, intense migraines and concentration complications.

In all honestly, my life would be much different had I not played this sport. The word “easier” comes to mind. I would not have lost one of my best friends, but then again, I would have never gotten to know the amazing person Tyler Rathbun was. Not only Ty, but getting to know all my teammates. And would not have been so crushed when our season came to end. But I have never loved, nor will I ever love anything or anyone more than the game of soccer, and the people I have been so lucky to meet through it.

Then, my head hurts again. I have a shift of rage. And I rethink everything all over again.

After my furious fits and headaches started to slow down and shrink in size, I realized more effects of the concussion. At points, I found myself staring off in space, like everyone does, but much more frequently. During these times, my brain felt empty, as though I was literally thinking about absolutely nothing.

I also found myself having horrible short term memory. I would meet someone, then not even be able to recall their name, and hardly recognize their face. My short term memory has gradually gotten better since February, but many times, I will not be able to remember things I have done 5, 15, 30 minutes before.

Thankfully, for the most part, my long term memory has been unaffected. I have memories ingrained in my brain that will stay put — including my endless soccer recollections. That brings me back to the problem of whether or not my soccer experiences were worth my daily struggle.

Through all of this, that has been the toughest question to answer. To this point, it has gone unanswered. I fight a constant battle dealing with my frequent headaches and my bouts of chaos and confusion. But I have bonds with other people: socially, emotionally and mentally. I would not have anything even close to that without soccer in my life. I feel those connections outweigh any pain I will ever have. I don’t regret anything, and would not want to change one decision in the past that lead me to form those bonds I have today.