I’m not a senior. But this year being cut short has hit me pretty hard, too.

I’ve always dreaded my sister graduating. And since the abrupt end to the school year, our final months in the same school are gone. There will be no more carpool karaoke sessions to GroupLove’s “Tongue Tied,” no final Lancer Dancer Pep assembly and no graduation.

I never thought I’d rather be sad witnessing those things, than not getting to see them at all. 

On March 17 when school was canceled for the rest of the year, my first thoughts were about my senior sister, Lauren. She’d miss out on her senior prom, graduation party, the Lancer Dancer Spring Show. And secondly, I realized I would miss out on seeing her walk across the stage in her cap and gown, even taking pictures with her for a cheesy Instagram post. 

As a younger sibling, I have quite the advantage — being able to get advice on what classes to take and the best way to study for the ACT from someone who’s already experienced my current situation. 

Being a very sentimental person, I was always anxious for her to leave home because that meant the life together that we’ve always known would end and, and next year when I come home from school, I won’t see her sitting on her bed as I walk to my room. I used to dread all the times I was working on homework and she’d come into my room talking my ear off about what happened in her Statistics class that day — I didn’t know I’d miss those days so much. 

Now looking back, it’s sad that I can’t pin-point the times we passed in the hallways or the last time I saw her dancing during halftime at a football game. I thought I would still have time to remember those moments, but that opportunity has been taken away. 

But I have to remind myself — as hard as it is for me to see her go through this, it’s one hundred times harder for her to actually experience it. 

Being her sister, I was aware of how much was going to happen for her this year, particularly in the last quarter of her senior year. 

She’s missing out on the rest of her drill team captain experience and having seniority perks, trying track for the first time after months of conditioning and enjoying the staple senior year events like prom and graduation. And I was excited to see her do those things, because I’d be able to be there with her, one last time before she leaves for school in Arizona without coming back each afternoon. 

Especially being only a year younger than her, we’ve become incredibly close. Due to the small age gap, we’ve essentially spent our entire lives together.

It’s common younger sibling syndrome to look up to your older siblings and automatically assume they’re constantly raising expectations and achieving the best.

After all the hard work I’ve seen her go through — staying up till 2 a.m. studying for AP Gov. tests and then waking up at 6 a.m. to go to drill team practice — I always felt bad, but I knew she’d be rewarded. But now it seems like a part of that reward has been ripped away and all that I’ve seen her accomplish seems invalidated. 

There’s still a possibility of a graduation, although she — as well as myself — has said she’s not getting her hopes up. But if there’s a possibility I can see her walk across the stage, it’ll somehow redeem all the torment of these past months. 

Even though the graduation ceremony is just a step closer to her leaving for college, I know she deserves it. It’d be worth the pain of seeing her move on to see her succeed and be rewarded for the amazing things she’s done.

But this experience has forced me to focus on appreciating any moment I can — to the fullest. Next year when it’s my turn, I’ll be sure to soak up every high school moment as if it were my last, because Lauren’s experience has shown me that it could be.

Although I’m missing out on experiencing those last high school moments with my sister that will put an end to our childhood, I now have more time to spend with her — playing Minecraft, going on walks and baking brownies at midnight. It may not be conventional or what I had in mind during the months before shed go to college, but given the circumstances, I’m just glad I get to spend quarantine with my best friend. 

In this time where we’re locked up in our houses and it’s easy to wallow in all we’re missing out on, I’ve found my time is better spent with making the most of what I can.