Review: Girl Scout Cookies

When most people receive their Girl Scout cookies, they are probably mildly contented to finally receive the product they paid money for many months ago. When I get my Girl Scout cookies, my face transitions into an ecstatic smile which cannot be contained in the slightest. This year, my family bought 13 boxes. I’m here to tell you which are worth the wait and which just aren’t, in order of favorite to least favorite to completely irrelevant.

#1: Peanut Butter Patties

Holy mother of the sweet Lord. I’ve never experienced cookies that I can devour with such a reverence that continues from cookie number one to cookie number five. I could eat a whole box without having any regrets. When I receive a box of these chocolate-covered, peanut butter-topped vanilla wafers, I break into giddy laughter. The only people who should think twice about eating these are those allergic to peanuts – and even then, consider eating it. I personally think it’s worth it.

#2 Thin Mints

When I’m away from Thin Mints for that seemingly infinite period of “no Girl-Scout cookies” time, which is unfortunately most of the year, I forget how incredibly addictive these mint and chocolate flavored cookies are. My mom always buys boxes upon boxes of them when ordering the cookies, and I question her. Do we really need four boxes of thin mints? My answer comes a short two months later: yes! Yes, we do! I would guess there are at least thirty cookies in each box, yet one box of is gone in an hour.

#3 Caramel De-lites

I think a solid half of pious Girl Scout cookie followers hold Caramel De-lites in the highest regard. The other half won’t touch them to save their life. I’ll place myself somewhere in the upper half of those. Another vanilla wafer, this cookie is covered in caramel and coconut flakes that fall somewhere between decadent and sickeningly strong. That’s probably why they’re so controversial: no one can tell if they truly enjoy the intense caramel flavor. I recommend you get at least one box: someone in your family is bound to like them.

#4 Peanut Butter Sandwich

This cookie truly gets better with age. As a kid, my dad would always force us to buy a box of Peanut Butter Sandwiches. Whining, we didn’t understand the true essence behind these cookies. Sometimes a cookie doesn’t need caramel stripes or a chocolate covering to be truly one of the greats. The smooth peanut butter is sandwiched by the sweet, crunchy oatmeal cookies for an understated piece of art.

#5 Thanks-A-Lots

As one of the more recent creations of Girl Scouts, Thanks-A-Lots really show what the focus of Girl Scout cookie making is shifting to. The message written on the cookie, the ‘thank you,’ is what’s really important here, because the cookies are fairly bland. It seems to me that the Girl Scouts are mostly focused on the feel-good message instead of the deliciousness of this cookie, as the actual cookie is just a large vanilla shortbread with a chocolate covering on one side and a ‘thank you’ on the other. I tend to be bored by them and eat them mindlessly when I want something to crunch on.

#6 Lemonades

Lemonades are only inferior to Thanks-A-Lots because they lack chocolate. They’re practically the same in every other way: a large vanilla cookie with a creamy “lemon glaze” on one side instead of chocolate. I do tend to have a penchant for all lemon desserts, so I always ask my mom to buy two or three boxes of these. It’s only later that I realize that they’re kind of bland and eating more than two at a time seems like a waste of calories.

#7 Shortbreads

My sister is in love with these. Though I’m not a huge fan, I get it. If you’re a sugar cookie type of guy or gal, shortbreads are the perfect fit for you. Small, plain vanilla shortbreads whose sugary sweetness never dies. You might eat one of them, or you might end up eating five.

All the other cookies are irrelevant. The Girl Scouts have been trying to vend some new, “healthy” flavors over the past couple of years: Rah-Rah Raisins, Cranberry Citrus Crisps, Trios. Some selling points of these are that they are gluten-free or “packed” with Greek yogurt-flavored chunks. Here’s what I have to say about these “healthy” cookies – a cookie is not meant to be healthy. A cookie is meant to be delicious, packed with sugar and addicting. If any of these criteria are strayed from,  you need to reconsider its status as a cookie, and ask yourself: is it worth the calories? That’s why my choices, mainly the originals, are superior. Eating them means realizing that your caloric intake is questionable and loving it.