Reflecting on Religion

“Sean I need you to go down to the office, the principal would like to speak to you!”

My palms sweat, my face goes white and I start to shake. I’m a straight-A seventh grade student and have never gotten a detention. Now I’m heading to the principal’s office.

She explained to me that since my persuasive essay was Pro-Choice against the Catholic faith I wasn’t allowed to right it.

 I started to cry. The school I was taught to trust made me feel awful about everything I stand for. The school silenced my voice. I felt that I was being force-fed religion, being taught to believe something before I even knew what it meant.

By the age of five, I knew at least 10 prayers by heart. I believed in God, went to church every weekend. Of course I didn’t know what these prayers truly meant, but I believed anyways. 

God, God, God; that is what I knew. I didn’t even know that there were people who didn’t believe in Jesus until I was in second grade. I feel ashamed that I told my babysitters they would go to Hell for not believing in the same God as me. But that was all I knew. 

The older I got, the more I started to be informed about other religions and lifestyles. My mom and my cousin began introducing different points of views to me, and I met family friends of Arab, African, Mexican and Jewish ethnicities. I realized that the world is broader than the white, Catholic life I was used to.

Learning about other lifestyles made me feel comfortable believing in views different from what my school had been teaching all these years, such as sex before marriage being wrong. I finally felt I had found views of my own. I had hoped my school would accept my new beliefs, but I was wrong.

 I started to feel betrayed by my religion in seventh grade when we got to write persuasive essays. We were pushed to write controversial essays.

One of the things that influenced my essay topic was my cousin moving in with me after facing many struggles in life, one of which was being raped in college. She knew that her options were limited if she did end up being pregnant, and this helped broaden my views. After living with her, someone who felt like my sister, I felt more understanding of the Pro-Choice position on abortion. I decided to write why, in some cases, Pro-Choice is OK.

 My teacher shot me down immediately, and sent me to the principal’s office. I was told I wasn’t allowed to express my views against the Catholic faith.

 After my beliefs were discouraged in seventh grade, it happened again in eighth grade. We had to do a photo project that had a deeper theme. Being gay, I of course wanted to do gay marriage, and why it should be allowed. This sparked my second shameful trip to the principal’s office.

 The same principal told me my idea was too controversial, and I couldn’t do a topic that derives from the Catholic faith. My only option was to talk to the school’s priest to see what he thought, which was way too nerve-racking at the time. I was horrified. I broke into tears. As a gay 14-year-old I didn’t want to hear that my own school and church didn’t support my lifestyle. That they didn’t support me ever getting married.

 The faith I had put everything into was telling me I shouldn’t be allowed to get married. The Catholic faith told me that I am not equal to my peers, to those in the world. I was hurt that this religion would make me feel so alone.

This isn’t what made me leave the Catholic faith, but it was an eye-opener that I had other options. Once this happened, I talked to my mom about exploring other spiritual outlets because Catholicism was not for me.

 I had already learned about Islam, Judaism and Buddhism at school, but they were all part of the general “believe in a book, and believe in this Creator” concept. Going to a religious school for nine years helped me figure out that I did not believe in the basis of Catholicism. It took endless questioning and tests of my beliefs, but in the end it brought clarity.

 I tried at least five different churches to see if any kind of organized religion would work for me, but it simply didn’t. I realized that I am never going to be someone who goes to church every Sunday and reference the Bible for my moral compass.

 I did realize, though, how important it is to be accepting of those who have lifestyles different from my own. It is OK to follow different religions, as long as you feel you are doing what is right for you personally.

 I could have gone away from catholic school being mad at the church for making me feel insecure in my developmental stages. But if anything I want to thank Catholic school.

It made me realize how important it is for me to be spiritual and connected to a higher power. I now feel in touch and comfortable with who I am even though I faced discouragement during Catholic school. I now know that I will never force my kid to believe in a God, or a Bible, but I will give my kids the opportunity to explore any spiritual life they want. I will teach them to be knowledgeable of other faiths rather than judgmental.