Pop Culture for President

Hello, students of Shawnee Mission East. I’d like to announce that I, Kylie Schultz, am running for president. Not of the student body–that’s so last May. I’m talking president of the United States. Why, you ask? Because Donald Trump and Kanye West are doing it. Heck, Justin Timberlake will probably announce he’s running next week. Running for president is just the new thing to do.

It doesn’t matter that I know nothing about politics. I need to form a huge fanbase of people that only care about me because I’m rich. Then make one, or six, politically incorrect speeches. All of them should feature me ranting about how women are pigs and how every single Mexican ever is a rapist, if I’m measuring up to the beautiful legacy Trump has left so far. That’ll make the polls go up in my favor for sure!

Or I could go the route of Kanye and be extraordinarily self-obsessed, because I’ll prove I care more about America by putting myself before the country. Maybe I can start my own fashion line of boring white T-shirts and baggy jeans, and start dissing random girls at award shows. Since that’s what’s hot with the presidential nominees as of late.

Those who’ve had their eyes on presidency for all of the right “political” reasons, like Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush, need to move on over–it’s pop culture’s turn to be president now.

If the poll numbers favoring Donald Trump are anything to go by, Americans don’t want those washed-up politicians anyways. Deez Nuts, now known as a 15-year-old boy from Iowa, racked up more votes than half of the legitimate Democratic candidates in a single night, solely because of his goofy name.

Realistically speaking, though, I’m a bit disappointed in this nation at the moment. I’m disgusted that we’ve let some racist, sexist bigot like Trump absolutely whomp the Republican party so far. Now, with Kanye running for 2020, it just emphasizes my point. It’s pretty sad, not to mention scary, that we’re allowing these figures in pop culture to replace the actual politicians who know what they’re doing. It’s even more frightening that the position that they’re trying to replace them in is for presidency.

A presidency I might as well try to compete for, if the other two options are these fine men. I might even stand a chance of winning. That is, if I adopt the sky-high ego and mad rapping skills of Kanye or win a lottery or two and become a snobby replica of Donald Trump. I could complete the look by saying whatever I wanted, even if I probably shouldn’t say it. God forbid I actually know that I’m doing politically. That’s so 2012.