Maggie Merckens: The opportunities harbinger provided gave the chance for growth and increase in self-confidence

It was Dec. 20, 2019 and I walked into the J-room for the mandatory meeting for new staffers to meet the rest of The Harbinger team. A wave of anxiety slammed into me — I didn’t recognize anyone. The room was filled with 60-plus people who were laughing and chatting about inside jokes I didn’t understand. I sat quietly against the wall with my hands folded between my legs, convincing myself not to duck and crawl out of the doors.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, the “ice breaker” question came — if you could commit any crime, what would it be?

It sent me into a spiral.

What’s the right answer? Would they judge me if I said something basic? Would they judge me if I said something excessively creative? I could feel my face flushing as I ran through all the things that could possibly go wrong.

In the end, my mind blanked and I repeated the answer of someone sitting next to me: shoplifting.

I followed this same pattern my first two years on staff — I was unoriginal, stagnant and kept to myself. I sat in the same spot in the back of the class everyday, afraid to share my opinions on Tate’s “five” minute lessons, and never attempting to shoot more than the required three photo credits.

I was scared of standing out or being judged. But when junior year came around, Harbinger finally changed that.

Fast forward to application season for my senior year position. The former head photo editors — Julia, Trevor and Sarah — asked me to come out to the library to talk to them. My head spun with possibilities of what they’d ask. Am I in trouble? Did I do something wrong on my gallery?

I was shocked when they asked if I wanted to apply for Head Photo Editor. 

Going from staff photographer to Head Photo Editor would be climbing a long ladder in one leap, and I felt overwhelmed and unqualified.

But it was clear they were desperate. The two other photogs lined up for the position left staff, so I knew it wasn’t just because I was this shining star of a photog. But it didn’t matter to me that I was the last resort. I was honored they even thought of me. And I was even more honored when I got the position.

The time for coasting was over — I finally stepped up. I prepared over the summer and talked to the old photo editors for advice. The first time I gave announcements to the class, I could barely get through one sentence without stuttering — but as the year went on, I grew more confident. I shared my thoughts after each five minute and creatively found ways to tie the feature writing tips into photography. I was able to lead a photo meeting with 20-plus photogs and guide them to push themselves.

It’s crazy how far I’ve come from my sophomore year. I’m no longer a shy, anxious, scared-to-give-my-opinion kid. I’m a confident leader who isn’t afraid of what people think. So, what would my crime be? An over the top “Ocean’s 8” heist.