Life With Sarah: I Hate Kids

Kids are scary.

I babysit four days a week, sometimes more, and little kids still freak me out. I can’t quite put my finger on why they scare me so much. Maybe it’s the fact that they’re tiny, weird human beings that aren’t really mature enough to process emotions or complete thoughts. Maybe it’s the fact that growing up I was the youngest sibling so I was never around kids younger than me. Either way, I have a phobia of small children.

While they can be cute sometimes, half the time they are little walking disasters with tiny tornadoes for brains swirling around in their little heads. They have the attention span of a goldfish unable to hold an idea and fully develop it. Things that might actually make sense get distorted in a small child’s mind. Poking dead things with a stick seems fun to them. In the real world it’s not, it’s gross and smelly.

Another issue with children is the way they repeat jokes over and over and over. They take jokes that were actually pretty funny at first and run it into the ground. No, not run, they slam their jokes into the ground. I’m all for a funny knock knock joke, but not 13 times in a row.

Don’t even get me started on babies. In my mind, babies are like porcelain tea cups: if you drop them they will shatter. This comparison has me terrified of babies. I don’t want to break a tiny human being.

Specifically, I’m terrified of crying children. I don’t know how to handle them or get them to stop. Do I hug them? I really don’t like touching people. Do I ignore them until they stop? That seems mean and heartless. There’s no good way to handle it. Honestly, I would rather be physically harmed than sit next to a crying baby on an airplane.

The way I’m rambling now probably makes me seem like a horrible person. I know children don’t mean to be annoying, and I know that as a little kid I was just as bad, but it’s still hard for me to understand small children. From my perspective I don’t see a common understanding coming anytime soon either.

In the mean time. I’m going to continue to observe them in their natural habitats until I can figure out what makes them tick. Maybe that will diminish my child phobia once and for all.