I’m Not Sorry: Constantly putting others’ feelings before your own isn’t beneficial and is harmful in the long run

It was Thanksgiving break, and my house smelled like cinnamon from my mom’s monkey bread in the oven. I was sitting on the edge of my bed, crying — well more like hysterically sobbing.

My cousins were in town. We went to a play later that night where my uncle walked up to me, hugged me and asked what had been bothering me that afternoon.

“Just a problem with a friend.”

After a day of getting the cold shoulder from my friend, I asked them what the problem was. There had been a party the day before and after I left, my friend started talking behind my back about how I was acting like a show-off after trying out an instrument. 

I felt like an annoyance to the whole group, like no one would want to be around me again. I typed out the same familiar words: 

“I’m sorry.” 

Being a people pleaser means constantly worrying about what others’ opinions of me will be and being careful with my word choice because God forbid I upset someone else. But attempting to please everyone around you is an unrealistic and draining goal.

According to a poll by Psychology Today, 49% of adults consider themselves people pleasers — a label I identify with, meaning someone who puts others’ feelings, like a friend, before their own. Becoming a people pleaser can stem from the need to fit in or avoiding disapproval from others.

Over-apologizing, avoiding confrontation and protecting others’ feelings by not talking back to them are all too familiar to me and common traits of being a people pleaser.

“I’m sorry.” 

I’m sorry for making you upset by being honest. I’m sorry that I defended myself when I knew something was wrong. I’m sorry that I ruined our friendship because I trusted my gut.

Sure, being extra considerate can be helpful in sensitive situations, but then my friend tells me to be more harsh and stand my ground to express what I want. But coming off as rude is the opposite of what I want to sound like when I’m having a conversation with someone.

I wish I’d just speak up. So what if I start an argument? What’s the worst that could happen?

But it feels terrible. The unsettling silence that follows awkward conversations when I defend myself instead of saying “It’s OK” is enough to stop me from saying anything. My mind wanders and my stomach drops. I don’t want it to be the end of the friendship. I don’t want my texts to go unanswered or silently pass that person in the hall like they’re a stranger.

But I’m tired of apologizing. 

It’s not always my mind to blame. A poor friend who consistently makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong isn’t worth holding onto. 

It all comes back to the idea of people pleasing being a good thing. Using that towards the right people is favorable. Close friends and family are the right people — anyone who doesn’t bring you down. Protecting the feelings of others can be helpful and extremely important as long as it’s not at the expense of your own feelings.

In the past, I’ve had experiences with a panic attack at work because someone else brought up my mental health past and how it had been an issue for them. The next day, I had plans with them and continued on like normal — like nothing was wrong.

Lately, I’ve been following through with conversations instead of apologizing to break my habits of persistently being a people pleaser. Before saying “sorry” I explain my side and listen to the other person and work through the problem instead of letting it pass after making an apology.

I’m working on speaking up for myself during difficult conversations and back and forth arguments. I won’t feel so trapped in my mind and be able to assess if that relationship is healthy. Speaking up for myself isn’t a crime, at the end of the day, I’ll benefit from my decision — whatever the result may be.

So whenever I feel like apologizing instead of speaking up I remember what my mom would tell me, “That’s not a friend” and not hold back.