“I Do” Not: A staffers review on overused wedding cliches

From Sophie Richie’s sumptuous, Vogue sponsored, South of France wedding in April, to Maragret Qualley and Jack Antanoff’s quaint ceremony on the New Jersey beach in August, 2023 has been nothing short of a pinterest-stalker’s fantasy. 

As I scroll through countless bland videos of billion dollar dresses with 20-foot lace trains, I open the comment section: “Such a beautiful dress!” and “I love this!” Well, I don’t. Not to say that the dress is ugly — just boring. 

Between Wagner Loehengrins “Here Comes the Bride” bellowing from the depths of white pianos, to the throwing of rose bouquets into a crowd of friends, wedding cliches are consumed by the basic-bride.

Here are a few of my opinions on the top cliches of “the big day.”

First is what I like to call the matchy-matchy. The same color spread out throughout the whole room. The headache-inducing white throw up as you walk into the ceremony. I often glance around the room and think to myself, “If I didn’t know any better I’d think Christmas came early and it’s snowing in July with all the white.” 

Oh! I think again. At least the bridesmaid dresses will be different! Until the seven girls all line up in blush pink-pastry dresses that look like dull erasers. 

Next I would like to talk about the overly posed pictures taken by “photographers” who probably looked up “how to shoot with a camera in under five minutes.” Especially the awkward two-tiered one where the groom is holding the bride. 2006 called — and they want their prom pose back. 

And finally, saving my most triggering one for last: the speeches. When one looks up the word boring, the internet grants you with a definition that states, “causing weariness and restlessness through lack of interest.” 

This is exactly what I hear amongst the teary-eyed speeches that ricochet off the reception walls spoken by the bride’s father.  “I’ve never seen two people so in love,”and “I can’t wait to see what the future holds for you.” I would rather lock myself in a four by four room and count how many times the clock ticks than live with a dad my whole life just to get that kind of speech. 

Whether it’s a beach, mountain or venue in one of the seven wonders of the world, the “I do” day can quickly become an “I do not” day if these unexciting traditions are performed.