Staffer Believes Holding Grudges Is Not Worth It

You can find it resting on the top of my steering wheel, lingering toward the bottom of every Facebook picture and elegantly clashing with every single one of my outfits: this small, seemingly insignificant, bright green band that peeks through the web of earth-toned friendship bracelets I wear tied around my wrist. Glancing down, you might catch a glimpse of the Spanish words “Done Vida” engraved into its rubber side, or if I twist my wrist just right and expose the opposite side, you’ll see the engraving of the English equivalent: Donate Life. It has become a casual part of my everyday life, never leaving my wrist once. To the world it may seem like a worthless teen fashion statement, but it holds more meaning to me than any of my other possessions. Through countless showers, hundreds of morning coffees and late-night study sessions, it glows on my wrist like a neon reminder of why I won’t ever hold another grudge.

Ever since I was little, I couldn’t hold grudges. I didn’t have the heart or the stomach for it. I am a problem solver; I have a constant need to try to fix things to make sure that everyone is happy.

Holding a grudge is simply putting a fight on hold so that you can walk around feeling like you’re in a Taylor Swift song while they walk around feeling like Kanye. Just periods of ignored calls, evasive passing-period maneuvers and uncomfortable lunch-table vibes. It has always seemed like a form of torture to punish whoever hurt you by making them work for your forgiveness while living with their own guilt and fear of losing a friendship. In the end though, I just feel guilty for holding a grudge. Why would I want a friend to be upset?

Grudges have always seemed ridiculous to me. They are basically just testing what it would be like if you never forgave your friend, but after a day or two the longing for your old friendship overshadows the anger you felt until you can’t quite remember why you were so angry in the first place.

So why waste that time?

Instead of walking around feeling angry, on top of feeling horrible for making someone I care about feel guilty and sad, I’d rather just have fun together. I want to work things out right then and there so we won’t waste time. So we will make the most of the time we have.

People tend to run from problems, and being the caring little dictator that I am, I have always refused to let them. Whether that was repeatedly hanging up the receiver as my second grade bestie tried to call her mom after a vicious fight over my Mercury Sailor Moon doll, or in fifth grade, when I followed another friend all the way to her house on foot trying to resolve our bickering match over which Cheetah Girl we “were.”Even today with my newfound bank of teen angst, as much as I try, my abilities to openly act angrily toward other people for any period of time over 10 minutes becomes tiring and feels pointless. The other day, as an act of good ol’ teenage defiance against my father, I managed to ignore him throughout the entire day with the occasional snide remark and bitter stare, but at the end of the night, as I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling unable to fall asleep, I finally caved, yelling “Night, Dad. Love you,” from my room instantly followed by an enthusiastic response wishing me the same. Dangit. Slightly disappointed in a failed attempt as ‘moody teen’- I feel asleep relieved.

Friendships can be lost in an instant. You could walk out the door and be hit by a bus and I might not ever get to see you again–so why leave things in a fight? In the heat of the moment no one stops to think about that- what would happen if you lost your friend at that moment? All the laughs, all the smiles, all the jokes are discolored and left in anger, harsh words that you’d do anything to erase. People just think it’s too dramatic and unlikely and could never happen to them.

I’m a fixer and when someone does something to me that can’t be fixed and has really hurt me, I work through it myself. The thing is, whatever has happened is done and there is no going back. Your apologies and excuses can’t undo what’s done, but neither can my icy stares or cold shoulders. I am going to forgive you eventually so I might as well put you out of your misery now, and deal with it in my head. I will forgive and I will forget, but in my very linear mind I have to analyze and decipher the problem and motives on my own to get me to where I am comfortable with the situation. Call me Nancy Drew.

While I see that as being a good friend, my friends say they can never tell if my forgiveness is genuine or how long I’m honestly angry at them for. I don’t understand why it matters: I don’t talk about my feelings, I think through them, then move on and while I’m thinking things out we can still enjoy our time together.

I have only ever held one grudge. After an argument, I deserted a friend named Nick and never spoke to him again. Nothing is worse than the feeling of regret you have sitting in a room full of the people who loved and appreciated someone you chose to lose.

All I have left of our what-almost-was friendship is that green bracelet I have worn on my wrist every day, since it was handed to me at his funeral.