Embrace the Femininity: Overcoming internalized misogyny

“Because it’s freaking stupid!” 

Red in the face, I hurled the worst “curse” word I knew at my mom. My size four bare feet violently stomping up the stairs, I hoped to shake the floor enough for my mom to feel — who sat stunned at the kitchen table. 

This was possibly an overreaction to being asked why I didn’t want to get my ears pierced.

But for 8-year-old me, getting my ears pierced was the first step toward becoming a “girly” girl. It was a gateway to being grouped with the girl who wouldn’t play kickball because she wore a skirt to school, or who religiously listened to Justin Bieber on her iPod touch. I had to maintain my reputation as the tomboy who could ring the bell at the top of the climbing rope in gym class and rocked cargo shorts on picture day. 

In my mind, there was no overlap between these two groups. And anyone who had their ears pierced definitely did not belong in the latter. 

It wasn’t until the past few years that I recognized these thoughts as indications of internalized misogyny from years of being trained to see women as the butt of the joke and watching myself and other women be underestimated because of our gender. Only recently have I made it a point to actively combat the subconsciously sexist ideas that the gender dynamic within our society has led me to inflict upon myself and others.

Hearing seemingly innocuous remarks in elementary school like, “You throw like a girl” or, “I need two strong boys to help me” taught me to equate femininity with weakness. I knew I wasn’t weak. But how would my crush who thinks pink is repulsive know that if I show up to school with pink fingernails?

I avoided things I saw as “girly” at all costs, and while in elementary school this manifested itself in always opting for sneakers over flats and sandals, my judgements began to extend beyond myself as I got older. 

In middle school, I scoffed as I walked past girls who curled their hair before school. Even now, I sometimes catch myself wondering, “Why is she trying so hard?” as I glance at a student with eyeshadow and winged eyeliner. 

These displays of femininity by other girls became evidence to me that they were simply conforming to gender stereotypes — using it as an excuse to dismiss them before I even got to know them. Makeup meant they were ditzy. Skirts meant they were unathletic. Without knowing it, I perpetuated the same stereotypes I tried to prove wrong, fully believing that feminine girls couldn’t throw a ball or help a teacher carry a heavy box of books. 

I believed that embracing a more feminine side would cause me to lose parts of my identity that are stereotypically masculine. Could I still enjoy month-long camping trips and intensive hikes if I also liked to pamper myself with face masks? Could I continue to be competitive on the GABL basketball court if I also admitted my celebrity crush on Ross Lynch?

My solution was to suppress these parts of myself, which was truly my loss — do you know how relaxing it is to get a pedicure? I missed out on so much in the struggle to set myself apart.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing bad about being a more masculine girl, and it doesn’t mean you’re any less of a woman. However, make sure you’re presenting yourself this way because it’s what makes you happiest, and not because of pressures from others or the subconscious expectation that femininity indicates weakness and diminishes your value. Don’t make the mistake I did in using traditionally feminine characteristics as an excuse to make assumptions about others or hide parts of yourself.

Rather than making snap judgements about another woman based on how she dresses or her interests, I’ve learned to appreciate it. The steady hand needed to apply eyeliner and the patience required to style hair every morning are qualities I’ve finally realized are admirable, after years of avoiding these customs. I now make a conscious effort to no longer think, “Why is she trying so hard?” but rather “Good for her.”

The brutal truth is that gender stereotypes aren’t going away anytime soon. However, being cognizant of the language I use and my own preconceived notions has allowed me to embrace my own feminine side and shift away from making assumptions about others based on how they present themselves. I no longer let these stereotypes influence views of my own worth 

— or the worth of others.

Feminine women are not weaker or falling victim to the “submissive” gender role. Femininity is strength and confidence and self-expression. You can choose to tan at the beach rather than swim and still be a successful math and science student. You can be interested in fashion and still be an athlete. You can have your ears pierced and still play kickball at recess.