Our teenage years — a time where everyone wants to be free from their parents, going to every party, staying out until 3 a.m., drinking until you don’t remember your name.
But not everyone lives in a movie.
Of course, independence is important. Parents shouldn’t shelter their kids from what the real world is like, and to allow them to figure out what life without their parents will be like. However, teenagers tend to be reckless, rebellious and notoriously unable to make good decisions with this desired independence.
The level of independence a child is given comes down to parenting style, which varies by level of involvement with their children. However, there’s one that allows parents to balance discipline with affection — the authoritative style.
Kids try to get away with anything, that’s why they need limits. According to MedlinePlus, limits allow the kid to grow in a safe manner, balancing responsibility and independence—so the kids can earn their independence.
According to psychologist, Diana Baumrind, parents can be classified into one of four types of parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive, neglectful and authoritative.
Authoritarian: the helicopter is a kids nightmare, overpowers their kids with their own thoughts and morals. They generally focus on parenting through strict discipline and punishment. This kind of parent uses a structured lifestyle to teach their kid, making sure they are obedient and follow the rules. Authoritarian parents tend to be the nightmare parents you see in movies and usually end up causing more harm to their relationship with their child.
Next is the permissive parent, the lesser-involved, chill parent. This parent mainly focuses on the child learning by themself without much interference, often setting rules without any punishment if they’re broken. A permissive parent is like Mrs. George from Mean Girls saying “If you’re going to drink, I’d rather you do it in the house.” They allow their kids to live how they want with little restriction, they think of the kids more as an equal, rather than a child.
Then there’s the least involved style — the neglectful parent. This parent is more or less non-existent in a child’s life, often giving the child little to no attention and barely meeting the child’s needs, rarely interacting with them, forgetting to pick them up from somewhere and other negligent things.
That leaves us with authoritative. An authoritative parent can still be demanding and have rules, but they try to build more of a relationship with their child by spending more time with them. In order to build a good relationship with their kids, they need to have family dinners, go on a family vacation and spend time with them. As a child of authoritative parents, I wouldn’t have it any other way. They listen to and respect my opinions while still setting boundaries to guide me along the right path.
According to CNBC, the most independent and socially competent kids are raised by authoritative parents. Authoritative parents are the most effective because they have deep and meaningful relationships while also providing structure. Most importantly, they’re able to listen to their kids and give them someone to talk to when they’re going through something they can’t go to their friends about. If a friend’s birthday party goes to 11 p.m. but your curfew is 10 p.m., they’d be open to negotiating with you. They have the skill of enforcing rules, but are also willing to compromise if you talk openly with them. It’s the best of both worlds — freedom with structure.
Ultimately, how a parent raises their children is their choice. However, different studies show how certain ways of parenting are more effective, and different styles can affect children differently. If a parent considered researching the styles when choosing how they want to bring their children into the world, it could be beneficial for them in the long run.
According to the National Institute of Health, the reasoning behind the results is, during the teenage years adolescents’ bodies produce additional hormones to aid in development of the brain and body — making it the hardest time to be a parent
The additional hormones cause varying and volatile emotions, which can make teenagers become sensitive and lead to questionable decisions ranging from binge watching all nine seasons of “The Office” to stealing your parents car at midnight. With the possible consequences of poor decisions, it’s vital for parents to have an effective parenting style to deal with and de-escalate possible conflict.
Personally, I have found that spending time with your parents and engaging with deep conversations is helpful in building a strong bond. Barely a day goes by where my mom and I aren’t having a deep discussion about pretty much anything, from the funny dog videos we watched during our day to planning out what college I want to get into and making a plan to get accepted. It doesn’t need to be long — it just needs to be sincere.
Parents should be open with their child no matter how old, or no matter how severe the situation. Even as an adult it can still be fun to talk to your parents. It is imperative that parents talk to their kids in their teens, because they need to ensure they aren’t breaking the law or doing anything they’ll regret later.
But part of it’s also the kids — they’re half of the relationship. It’s important for kids to share things about their life with their parents, so that everyone is on the same page. Both parents and kids need to be understanding of the other, so they can help each other.
Parents have their own problems, and sometimes you need to be there to support them. At the end of the day, it takes effort from both the kids and the parents to build a lasting bond, keeping the authoritative style in mind.
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