Careful How You Compliment: The importance of complimenting personality over appearance

“You just get skinnier every time I see you! What’s your secret?”

I quickly dodged the mortifying conversation with an awkward laugh and a quick topic change, but it stuck with me for the rest of the day. Am I really getting skinnier? It’s a compliment, right? Doesn’t everyone want to be complimented on a thinner physique? That must be good. Maybe I should stay skinny. 

And so the mental spiral began. 

My well-meaning co-worker didn’t know I’d been overcoming eating issues for a year. She didn’t know “getting skinnier” was what I was trying to do the exact opposite of. And she didn’t know I’d replay that comment for the rest of the week when I woke up to look in the mirror or went for a snack. 

But she couldn’t have known. And that’s the point — when you comment on someone’s appearance, you have no idea what nerve you’ll strike, or what they deal with in private. Take the safe and far more meaningful route: strive for compliments that go beyond surface-level looks. 

Appearance-focused compliments come with an unspoken pressure to maintain that appreciated look. Say you get a compliment on your hair one day, and don’t the next. Queue the flood of overthinking: Does my hair look worse today? Why didn’t they say anything this time? Something’s wrong. When it comes to something like weight loss or gain, a quick remark may contribute to an unhealthy obsession. 

In fact, a 2009 study by Psychology of Women Quarterly found that women who responded positively to receiving compliments on their appearance also reported increased body self-consciousness and overall appearance dissatisfaction as a result. 

Our appearance hinges on many factors out of our control, unlike our personality traits. Maybe you’ll have a bad hair day or a morning without time for your 10-step makeup routine. It’s all temporary anyway. But qualities like a quirky sense of humor or giving thoughtful advice are more permanent than any physical trait can be — let’s uplift those instead.

Think about it: when was the last time someone complimented your physical appearance or something you were wearing? Probably recently. And sure, maybe it gave you a boost of confidence in the moment, but when was the last time you got a compliment about your bravery, creativity or passion? That one may be harder to recall. 

It seems that people — myself included — rarely point out positive personality traits. Appearance is an easy go-to, and often superficial, but we have to search deeper. So instead of commenting on someone’s body or how much better their hair looks straightened than natural, channel that desire to compliment who they actually are, not what they look like.  

Considering compliments result in an instant boost of dopamine and serotonin for both the giver and receiver, it makes sense that it would result in a sense of positive reinforcement. By complimenting the contagiousness of someone’s laugh, for example, you’re simply encouraging them to continue expressing their laughter and happiness. 

I’m right in line with everyone who loves getting compliments on a carefully-selected outfit or fresh set of nails. And it’s certainly true that receiving any compliment is better than none at all. But if we’re consistently complimented on appearance alone, we may begin to form a subconscious idea that we’re something to simply be evaluated, rather than a person with qualities that go beyond just how we look on a given day. Traits like genuinity and honesty aren’t quantifiably comparable to anyone else, like the length of each other’s eyelashes could be. 

So this isn’t to say stop giving compliments altogether — any compliment is key to building confidence and making those around you feel valued. If someone looks amazing in their new favorite top, tell them. But also think of how you can focus on the character of friends and strangers and what makes them unique as people, not the definition of their abs or the fun color of their leggings.