When the bell rings and my fourth hour IB standard level math class is over, my friends and I scurry downstairs, talking about whatever homework we were just assigned or what hijinks we might get up to with Mr. Kramer in Psych next hour. But the other day, I had barely made my way down to the third floor when I heard it through the hallway rush. My friend and I both stopped mid-conversation, shocked. All through my fifth hour, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
“Quit being such a faggot!”
I’m not sure if it was the word itself that threw me off guard or the fact that it was being said in the hallways of my high school — in 2019, no less. I’d like to think that I’m the type of person who would’ve turned around and said, “Hey, not cool,” or even “Seriously?”
But I just kept walking.
I said nothing for the same reasons most of us say nothing: fear and doubt. Will they laugh at me? Is it my place? They aren’t actually racist, sexist, homophobic, you name it, right? These thoughts swarm in our heads, pulling us away from what we know is right. Those worries aren’t uncommon — in fact, they’re universal. But they shouldn’t stop you from interjecting when the situation calls for it.
I know firsthand that correcting someone can feel a bit daunting, especially when words are as harsh as the slur I heard in the hallway. But like all things, knowing how to confront someone takes practice. There are a few key things to remember when you’re speaking up to educate someone. Explain to the person how their joke is hurtful, be understanding and make sure you aren’t attacking them. The point isn’t to start a debate, but instead to show someone how their words can be negatively interpreted and received.
Showing empathy and not attacking the other person tend to go hand in hand. When you hear someone say something off-kilter, take their intentions into account. Did they call your friend’s new haircut gay because they hate gay people or because they’ve grown up hearing the word gay used synonymously with stupid? Regardless of the context in either example, it’s not an okay thing to say. But when someone simply hasn’t been confronted — especially face to face — about the detriment of the words they casually throw around, they won’t be able to reorient their thinking.
A quick and simple way to get your point across is to put them in the shoes of whoever they’re making the butt of the joke. How would they feel if people used an important part of their identity as a word that meant stupid, bad or useless? How would they react if they heard people insulting something of personal significance to them for the sake of a laugh?
Sometimes, people just make honest mistakes. If someone says something insensitive, take a breath and ask yourself how you’d want to be treated in that situation. And circumstances aren’t always perfect. In some situations it can be harder to find a way to open up that dialogue — especially when we’re with our friends.
There’s a sociological effect called the Bystander effect — thanks, Kramer — that says people are less likely to take action for a victim when other people are present. This effect plays out in our lives nearly every day. If we see a fight break out in the hallway, we pull out our phones and go straight to Snapchat instead of intervening or getting an adult. As rumors about a girl in your English class are sent around in your group chats, we screenshot them to forward to the next person instead of shutting them down.
High school is nerve-wracking enough. It’s completely reasonable to find remaining silent more preferable — and comfortable — than speaking out. The idea of confronting a friend or peer about something they’ve said can make anyone anxious. But when you know what they’ve done is wrong, it’s important to muster up the confidence to tell them that they’ve been hurtful. It takes a lot of courage to raise your voice and stand up for others, but when you know how to approach those conversations, getting through them becomes much easier and leaves both parties satisfied.
Friends are supposed to make each other better people. If you stay silent and let someone continue to put others down for nothing more than the sake of a punchline, you’re not being a good friend. And if your friend can’t make a joke without putting someone else down or using offensive language, they’re probably not that funny anyways.
Related
Leave a Reply