An End of the World Wishlist

As you are aware, we are less than a month away from doomsday — according to the Mayans, the end of the world is in just a few weeks and there’s nothing we can do about it. Instead of building an underground shelter or stocking up on preservative packed snacks, I have chosen another way to take on the armageddon. If they’re right, I would like to spend my last few days on this planet pulling off the stunts I have only dreamt about over my years at Shawnee Mission Wonderful.

1. The Stairwell Slide

Ever since my freshman year I have always wanted to do this. I’m not talking about putting a few mats down and pouring a few buckets of water on it. I’m talking about the ultimate slip n’ slide. After putting the maximum amount of padding on the stairs and walls I will hook up a hose from both water fountains to create a waterfall similar to the Niagara Falls. There are multiple ways to ride this rapid. The safest way would be to grab whatever textbook you use the least and put it under your bottom. Simply push off and enjoy the slide. Then there is the classic bareback technique where you would lay down and let the water guide you down. Finally there is the face first option. This is where you lay on your stomach and just hope you don’t get hit in the head. Helmets are optional. The incredible amount of fun and excitement down the slide will definitely outweigh the immense risk of severe injury.

2. Ring of Fire

If you’ve ever seen the classic comedy “Old School”, you’ll recognize my next stunt. It would only require the school Lancer mascot suit, a hoop, a trampoline, gasoline and matches. Using these materials I will pull off the ultimate halftime show for a home boys’ basketball game. First, I would light the hoop on fire using the gasoline in the middle of the court. Then I would arm myself with the mascot suit before I proceed to jump through the “Ring of Fire”. I will sprint up, get a clean jump off the trampoline, close my eyes and pray. Whether I succeed or not, one thing will be for sure, the fans will get a heck of a show.

3. Food Fight

The cafeteria is a perfect battlefield for an epic food fight. Elevated sides of the lunch room offer perfect opportunities to snipe down a freshman with a meatball. The open area of the middle of the cafeteria would allow easy hand to hand combat, whether your smearing a banana or a Cici’s pizza slice against your enemy. With artillery ranging from Otis Spunkmeyer’s chocolate chip cookies you can use as ninja stars to Schlotzky’s subs that double as a club. Personally I would go with the Bosco stick sling shot, where I would wrap a noodle around two of the gourmet mozzarella sticks and fling either an orange or an apple to knock my foe out. A Shawnee Mission East food fight will not only be legendary but edible and yummy as well. Hopefully the casualties will be to a minimum.

4. Cast Away

As always I save the best for last. My fourth and final stunt would be to flood the third floor and fill up the pond with every type of fish ranging from rainbow trout to catfish. I’d toss in some bait from the Environmental room and have a fishing outing with my friend Tyler Rathbun. We’d hang out for one last time and talk about everything ranging from his World of Warcraft obsession to his favorite goals of the soccer season. After reeling in a catch, Ty would take the bass and skin it to perfection on top of Dr. Krawitz’s desk (sorry about the mess Dr. K). We’d split the fish in half with Bun’s pocket knife and cook it in the Bunsen burners in the chemistry room until it was golden and tender. Finally, we’d delivered it to two of Tyler’s favorite teachers to joke around with, Mr. Muhammad and Ms. Leslie. It would be the greatest fishing outing ever with the greatest Lancer ever.
RIP Tyler Rathbun, We all love you.

Morgan Krakow | The Harbinger Online