Author Spotlight
Thomas Paulus
In this revamped sequel to the already hated “Troll” movie, a young Joshua Waits lives in a town called “Nilbog” — goblin backwards, corny already — and is warned by his dead Grandpa to steer clear of vegetarian creatures. These goblins pray on humans and turn their flesh into veggie fibers. Joshua does everything in his power to stop his aloof family from turning into vicious green slime for the trolls to feast upon.
The movie barely fits into the horror genre, mainly because of its “Afterschool special” vibe. Though branded as PG-13 for gore and language, it resembles a rejected episode of the children’s horror show “Goosebumps.” The good-versus-evil-dynamic teaming the children against the adults could have been played in a second grade classroom.
Try to envision the following scene in a thriller: Joshua eavesdrops on one of the town’s underground meetings for the old townsfolk — or rather, vegetarian goblins. They’re all disguised as humans, chanting about how terrible meat is and how they like to kill humans for eating meat. The movie’s vegetarian antagonists are ironic, given the goblins’ crusade is to kill living creatures. Not sure PETA would approve.
The plot already solidifies its reputation as absurd, but the new-to-screen acting is what packs in the horrible quality. The actors can’t distinguish between fear and confusion during situations that would normally bear one or the other. When a character melts into vegetable goo, the rest of the gang acts as though it’s an everyday occurance — no shock detected in the facially deaf performers. In the best case scenario, the actors were probably trying — and failing — a new technique they learned at community center acting classes.
There is no saving grace for this movie. The plot is unorthodox, the acting is comical and the characters are foolish. In my opinion, it has the qualifications for the perfect good-bad movie.
This movie chronicles the lives of Rod, a software engineer and Nathalie, a fashion model. After the two fall in love, a murderous wave of birds attack their city and leave it in ruins — it’s a birdemic! This movie is nowhere near the quality of Alfred Hitchcock’s acclaimed and original film, “The Birds,” but offers audiences a film they love to hate.
The biggest eyesores of this movie are the antagonists: blood-thirsty birds. They can only be described as a CGI designer’s nightmare — 2-D figures that seem to have been lazily copy-pasted from Windows Paint into iMovie. I couldn’t contain myself from erupting with laughter at the “birds.” These digital disasters are what have made critics question if this movie should have as huge a following as it does, but for me, their absurdity only adds to its novice charm.
Alongside the poorly designed creatures were static characters that resembled Elon Musk’s newest delve into artificial intelligence. Their stage presence is not compelling and the dialogue consists of uncomfortably long pauses between shallow conversations about car types and solar panels.
The conversations prompt extreme — yet hilarious — logic from the characters. In one of the scenes, the couple trap themselves in a motel to hide from the birds. Instead of waiting out the wave of avian attackers, they attack the birds with coat hangers. By attack, I mean haphazardly waving a coat hanger in the air and having one the CGI birds disappear. As the attacks are amplified, I absolutely lost all sense of reality and followed the twisted but entrancing logic of this movie.
Though the acting was atrocious, it was almost endearing. Like, I felt bad for them! The adorable nature of the movie topped off with unrealistic scenes that can only warrant laughs, “Birdemic” has amassed quite a following.
Superhero movies usually can dodge the accusing fingers of movie critics. They generally cost the net worth of the richest man in Luxembourg and can bank on a diehard fan base. However, there are always exceptions. Catwoman (2004) not only is branded by this reputation, but steals the shining spotlight of faulty superhero movies.
The main character, Patience Phillips, is a meek and quirky girl who works at a beauty company. After she’s murdered for knowing a secret she shouldn’t, a magical street cat resurrects her and rises out of the ashes like a Phoenix — or rather, Catwoman. Her super powers include sassy comebacks, rocking leather catsuits, transforming anything into a whip and actually possessing the mental traits of a cat, such as snarky remarks…and landing on her feet? Yeah, I don’t have an answer for that one.
When I wasn’t squirming at Halle Berry’s bizarre feline acting, I was laughing at the bizarre close-up face shots and jolted camera movements. Disoriented, I felt like I was riding a poorly constructed roller coaster. It’s uncomfortable to watch Halle Berry scarf down five cans of tuna while our point of view is right above her forehead.
The dialogue is also something to be marveled over because of how out of touch with reality conversations were — my personal favorite being the cheesy cat puns. This includes Catwoman telling her lover that she is part cat with an entirely too predictable “cat’s out of the bag” or ending every monologue with a “meeeee-ow”.
While it’s a shame to see $100 million dollars in budget be wasted on overbearing CGI and invasive cameras, at least the audience gets a classic movie to pop in during bad movie night.
Thomas Paulus | The Harbinger Online 
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