Compliments: How to Change Compliment Culture

“Maya you look so pretty today!”

This statement is immediately met with my blank stare and nervous laugh. I’ve got ten seconds to think of the perfect response before my uncomfortable chuckle turns horribly awkward.

Say “thank you”? Nope, that means I’m agreeing and think I’m oh-so-gorgeous — too conceited. Argue with them? Absolutely not. Then they’ll think I have the confidence of a mole rat. But I have to say something because now I’m down to ten seconds and my blank stare isn’t getting any cuter. I finally decide to go with the quick and simple “aw thanks” as I try to think of anything else to talk about.

My name is Maya Stratman and I couldn’t accept a compliment if it was dropped in my lap. But I need to learn to accept praise in a positive to build my confidence and strengthen my character (also because I want to avoid more awkward encounters like those but mostly the strengthen-my-character stuff).

Avoiding compliments comes from low self-esteem because the receiver of the compliment genuinely either doesn’t believe it, or it’s just to avoid awkwardly praising yourself. So it’s time to change compliment culture.

Psychology Today reported that only 22 percent of compliments given to women are accepted. This means, well, one — that I’m not alone. And two, that only 22 women out of 100 can confidently say “thank you” and move on when they are told something simple like “I like your shoes.”

And I can venture a guess as to why — it’s hard to find the sweet spot between not too cocky and not too self-deprecating.  Wouldn’t we all rather stand there in silence looking down at our sneakers after someone tells us we’re a really nice person than know someone believes we think more highly of ourselves than we should?

According to Psychology Today, women who have high self-esteem may reject compliments because they want to seem modest, while another habit is to argue because they don’t fully believe in the compliment they are given.

But this reaction to simple and sweet gestures, like telling someone they have a cute new haircut, isn’t doing anyone any favors. For one thing, it makes the complimenter less likely to go out of their way in the future if they feel like it wasn’t received well. Plus we aren’t able to benefit from the sole purpose of the compliment — to celebrate something about ourselves. If our immediate reaction is to convince them that we’re not in fact pretty but rather “look like trash today,” we miss out on what they’re saying.

And if we’re talking about compliments, the elephant in the room needs to be addressed — WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO COMPLIMENT BACK? They are nice so you feel you need to be nice, but then it’s super awkward because it doesn’t seem sincere and blah blah blah.

Just. Let. It. Lie.

Even though you’re internally screaming because every instinct is telling you to give them the exact same compliment right back… don’t. Save it for a time it will feel genuine.

We need to work on internalizing compliments and taking them to heart rather than brushing them off. While it’s a lot easier said than done, simple things such as taking the time to think about what they said means you’re on the right track. If someone tells you that you did really well on an English essay, instead of thinking they’re just being courteous, take the time to consider how much work you really put into it and how it paid off in the end.

If we can learn to take these compliments as fact rather than fiction, we wouldn’t need to be so worried about looking conceited when accepting them. And while we can’t receive all of our confidence from others’ validation, compliments are a great way to look at the things we might not always celebrate about ourselves. The more people who start accepting their compliments, the more others will see how they don’t need to feel conceited taking them, too.

So next time someone tells me I look good because I put those extra ten late-start-minutes to use, let Jessie J’s “I’m feeling sexy and free” lyrics ring throughout the halls because I’ll be ready to face that compliment head on.