Disclaimer to my dearest journalism pals and fellow writers of 2010 senior columns:
I don’t intend to hurt any feelings, but I find it a bit redundant to reflect back upon the past four years of high school in writing my senior column. It has been done in some way, shape or form in every senior column in the history of high school journalism.
From, “My class rank sucks; don’t make the same mistakes I did,” to “Avoiding voice cracks during choir solo tryouts,” and even “I still don’t understand why ordering milk at WPA dinner is socially unacceptable,” they have all been done before.
In 2010, I aim to write something different. Instead of reminiscing on the past meaningfully, I will attempt to foretell the future meaninglessly.
For example, I don’t have a wormhole that tells me the Royals bullpen will blow a 3 run lead in the 8th inning on July 9 against the White Sox (I don’t need one for that, anyway). But my mom has always told me that I have darn good foresight, like the 4th of July when I specifically told my cousin that scotch-taping two M80s and a 50-pack of Black Cats to a measly Moonbeam Missile wasn’t a good idea. For the record, it nearly veered into the bed of a neighbor’s Silverado.
In the next couple paragraphs, that foresight will help unveil the next four years of life on Earth. Pay heed the following dates, because permission is granted to take any of this information to Vegas.
July 11, 2010 – Zinedine Zidane makes a surprise return to the World Cup final, this time in the press box with legendary British commentators Martin Tyler and Andy Gray. After becoming upset with Gray’s usual negative demeanor, Zidane headbutts Gray, forever impairing Gray’s trademark Scottish brogue.
Oct. 2, 2010 – Rock artists Nickelback release their newest album, “Reason for Taking the Dark Road.” Due to a lack of commercial success with the new record, Nickelback calls Radiohead’s “pay what you want” bet and ups the ante. The band decides to ask fans how much Nickelback should pay them to download the album. In essence, “How much can we pay you to take this from us?”
Nov. 14, 2011 – Apple releases their newest gadget, a mobile video gaming device dubbed the iPwn. The iPwn is Wi-Fi capable, fully holographic and 3D enabled, providing a visually nauseating experience.
Apr. 22, 2012 – Apple releases an updated version of the iPwn, the iPwn 3G. At this point, you should know to never buy the original Apple gadget in a series, because six months later they release a smaller, faster and much better version of the product.
Dec. 21, 2012 – The world ends. Short term solution – find your way onto a deep space probe. Long term solution – learn how to make Mars biologically habitable. Hint: the best bet is to inject greenhouse gases into the atmosphere to raise the planet’s average temperature up from the normal -81 degrees Fahrenheit. Good luck.
Remember, the remaining events are theoretical, considering the world already ended.
June 9, 2013 – The ultimate infomercial product, the “ShamOxiWeight,” hits cable programming. A seamless combination of the ShamWow!, OxiClean and Shake Weight, the ShamOxiWeight resembles a hand-operated convulsing dish towel soaked in Pine-Sol. It soon becomes a part of infomercial folklore for its renowned ability to remove stains, soak up residue and tone flabby forearms simultaneously. The tag line – “For just $19.95, it has never been so easy to eradicate grass stains from a pair of jeans and blast your triceps at the same time!”
Dec. 6, 2013 – Avatar II is released. After some of the biggest days in box office history, the general population soon discovers that, like its predecessor, the plot has been stolen from a “Pocahontas” movie. In this case, the victim is “Pocahontas II: Journey to a New World.”
May 10, 2014 – With his pitch count nearing 220 and his arm swollen to the size of a well-fed boa constrictor, Royals starting pitcher Zack Greinke is removed from his first-ever perfect game in the bottom of the 17th inning. Trying to avoid the still shaky bullpen, the Royals bring in their stalwart, Joakim Soria, despite the fact that he is on the DL with a torn right rotator cuff. Soria must pitch the ball lefty, which turns disastrous when the hitter hammers the ball out of the park.
To gain insight from that series of unimportant events would take some real effort, which, I suppose, is exactly what I set out to do. At least I tried to do something different, something that Nickelback can’t say about themselves.
On that note, seniors of 2010 and fellow senior columnists, see you in the future.