The Harbinger Online

Dear E.Coli


Dear E.coli,

It has recently come to my attention that you have been attacking and bullying one of my best friends: Chipotle. But you’re not a typical 21st century bully, spitting hateful words over Twitter. You’re the old school kind. You meet people face to face and give them a blow straight to the stomach. Let’s review a few of your crimes, shall we?

First you infected scores of people along the West Coast, causing the closing of Chipotles throughout the region. I think even Voldemort would agree that’s inhumane. Then you continued to invade Chipotles across the country, including one heartless attack in Johnson County, which rocked the suburban community to its core. As a result of your actions, all Chipotle stores will be closed on Feb. 8 so the company can re-organize their battle plans and address their apron-wearing forces. This is a tragedy, as a day without Chipotle is a day without happiness.  

If this wasn’t bad enough, you also convinced your friend, norovirus, to ally with you and make a bunch of Californians sick. Because of your friend’s actions, Chipotle is now facing a criminal investigation over how they handled one of the invasions, but I think we can all agree that the only criminal here is you, E.coli.

Chipotle doesn’t deserve this. They work hard every day to provide us with fresh, locally-sourced, tasty food. Yes, they probably made a couple mistakes which allowed you to infiltrate their beautiful system, but you made the mistake of going after a true American treasure. After all, there’s nothing more American than a Mexican restaurant started by a white guy.

I’ll give it to you, trying to drain the American spirit by making us scared of Chipotle is clever. But if you think that we will cower in fear, you’re wrong.  

*cue patriotic music and a rippling flag*

As Americans, the only thing we love more than food is freedom – the freedom to eat a two pound burrito and call it healthy because it has lettuce in it. So we will fight for this. After all, if people spent days fighting over what color a dress is (white and gold obviously), then you can bet that we will fight to protect our unalienable right to delicious food. And finally, we will not surrender to your fear tactics. It has been said that the only thing stronger than fear is hope. This proves true, because the hope that we will one day sweet-talk our way into a quesarito is much stronger than the fear of a hospital visit. At the end of the day, there is no amount of foodborne illness that will stop us from reaching burrito nirvana, so your attempts are futile.

Basically what I’m trying to say here is, go to hell, E.coli. And by hell I mean Qdoba.

Sincerely, America

P.S. Maybe as a part of your surrender, could you convince Chipotle to give us all free guacamole?

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