Pop Quiz: On which television show will you find more tears, catfights, heartbreak and scandal?
- A) “The Bachelor” or B) The presidential debate?
If you’re stumped, you’re not alone. After all, both are filled with contestants who have been called out for being there “for the wrong reasons.” Both are filled with people doing strange things to stand out and impress a stranger. And both are watched mostly by people hoping for a train wreck.
So for the sake of ridiculousness, let’s grab the popcorn and transport to a world where people with hair like Donald Trump’s, or the pantsuit collection of Hillary Clinton’s, would actually appear on “The Bachelor.” A world where the contestants actually have last names, and none of them are dental hygienists.
Waiting in the limos are the 22 competitors vying for one heart: America.
First out of the limo is Rick Perry: “There are three things you should know about me. One: I’m the former governor of Texas. Two: I’m a fan of designer glasses. And three — oops, I guess there isn’t a third thing.”
Oh Rick. I suspect he will soon be nothing more than a forgotten background competitor.
Next out of the limo is Hillary Clinton. She seems…eager. It’s almost like she’s been planning this for a long time. Weird.
Right behind Clinton is Lindsey Graham. He is bound to be this season’s resident Southern dumb blonde.
Out of the next limo is John Kasich. “It’s good to — ”
I interrupt the introduction of this nobody to bring you breaking news from inside the Bachelor Mansion. Donald Trump has just built a wall between himself and the other competitors while shouting “I am the best bachelor that God ever created!”
When he first arrived, I assumed he was a good person, but now I think he might just be crazy. Like Ashley S. crazy.
Ahh look! It’s Bernie Sanders, what a cutie! While Trump may not be able to make his hairstyle work, Sanders is really pulling off that T. Michael Chaffee look he has going on.
Speaking of white haired men whose last names begin with “Chaf,” coming out of the next limo is Lincoln Chafee. There is nothing trashy or dramatic about this man. I’m bored.
Back inside the mansion, the booze and insults are flowing. Jeb Bush and Rand Paul are fighting over whose daddy is better, and Trump has already called everyone a loser at least once. Meanwhile, Scott Walker just interrupted Clinton. Her face said “I don’t mind,” but her eyes screamed words that require a censor.
In the other room, Marco Rubio is being denied a strawberry daiquiri because the bartender doesn’t believe he is over 21.
Ohh snap! Ted Cruz just went all “Real Housewives” on Kasich. Kasich is now drenched in vodka and tears.
Speaking of crying, after being told by Chris Christie that he looks like a bunny, Jeb Bush’s cry count is now at three. Christie may be a bully, but it is now clear from the whining confessionals of the other competitors that Trump is going to be this season’s real villain.
“Villains gotta vill,” shrugged Trump.
Oh sweet Jesus, never let this episode end.
Is that suspenseful music I hear? That can only mean one thing. It’s rose ceremony time.
Dear Bachelor gods, please let someone trip and fall on their way up to collect their rose, and if that person happens to be Donald Trump I will be eternally grateful.
The music is getting more suspenseful. Bush is crying again. My heart is racing. Who is America going to pick???
Curse you Bachelor gods! I ask you for a tripping Donald and you give me a black “To Be Continued” screen. The injustice!
I guess I will just have to wait until next week if I want to see the continuation of what will ultimately be the most dramatic election season. Ever.